liquor time

Walked out the front door and saw cop lights flashing... just another day in the ghetto.

The Beaver

I need to make a post about the Beaver. The Beaver is this Aussie who is so fucking good looking, that it's comical.
He is model hot, and every time me and Megan see him he is so fucking drunk that it prevents him from getting girls. This is saying something, because he should never have a problem getting laid. We saw him last night at this house party and just killed ourselves laughing every time he did anything.
We tried to get him to bench press me, and we tried to get him to take his shirt off, but we couldn't unfortunately. Not yet at least. Bu everything he did was just sooo funny. I feel like he isn't a real person. More likely a robot, a sex robot.
At one point he put his arms around us and said that he didn't work out, and that God had "blessed him with this body."

Like seriously. Are you fucking kidding me?

Ah fuck, I wish I could remember what else he did, but I was too fucking drunk.
Which reminds me, if you find a forty of vodka that is ten dollars, you should expect a massive hangover the next day. Fucking Christ.
Also, in order to feed my sick beard obsession and my love of getting guys to do borderline homosexual acts, I got two dudes to rub beards.



I know, I know, only one of them really has a beard, but I have to work with what I've got, god damn it.

I'm shit at titles

We've moved from crack hotel to a nice little house thing on the corner of Crack Street and Man Got Shot 17 Times Avenue.
I can sincerely say that I am not exaggerating when I say what a ghetto this place is. It's super hilarious, or at least it is until I inevitably get mugged, because then I'm going to be pissed. But currently the cheap rent is worth whatever hilarious shenanigans we put up with.
We walked past a sign yesterday that said something along the line of "Blah blah Tire Store Kikes"
And then "Kikes" was sort of painted over but you could still see it. It wasn't graffiti. Someone legit got a sign made that said "Kikes." The fuck is this shit.

Russell flew in Friday to surprise me, which apparently everyone ever knew was happening but me. So he just showed up at the bar I was at and blew my mind out of my skull. +1000 points for Russell. If I hadn't been so shocked I probably would've got on my knees and blown him right there.
So that was a solid weekend of drinking and fucking....around. Russell got classic Russell'd and it was just great. Especially because he was wearing a tank top and bowling shoes most of the time.

Time for sleep, drunk Russell.

My birthday wasn't crazy exciting mostly because my "ID" says my birthday is in May, so I couldn't go around being like, "Oh my God I'm twenty! Shots! Lets do shots!" But drinks are so cheap here I don't even need to try and get people to buy me them. I am going full alcoholic, and it's beautiful.

I wrote this when we didn't have internet

We moved into the apartment today, and yeah, this is a prettyyyy ghetto area. There is a drive-thru liquor store and three black dudes selling barbeque turkey legs out of a van on the sidewalk like two blocks from our place. I also saw a woman riding a bike with her kid in the basket. There are literally like nine churches within three blocks of here.

BUT the barbeque turkey guys seem really nice, and some random lady waved at me from her house. There seems to be a lot of really fucking crazy people here (like the guy with the cane who asked me and Lindsay if we spoke Spanish and started crying when we said we didn’t, then started laughing maniacally) but there are even more people who are incredibly friendly.

Someone from the New Mexico Gas Company was supposed to come turn on the gas today, but he didn’t show up, so now we’ll have to shower in semi-warm water (thank God it’s like 35 degrees outside) until that gets taken care of. It’s not a total loss, though, because I can definitely use several cold showers due to living around THRONGS of Hispanic dudes who I can’t bang because they’re probably in gangs and I promised everyone I’d be careful.

and later...

Just realized we are staying in a crack motel. Pretty sure the owner thinks we’re shooting up all day in the room because she keeps getting the maids to check on us like three times a day. (Maybe it’s because we keep the curtains closed all the time… but it’s really because I was walking around in my bra and realized all the crackheads across from us could see right into our room.) I told the maid she didn’t have to clean our room because we slept in and we didn’t need new towels or anything, so she asked if she could just watch TV in our room instead. (Hahahaha… we said yes.)

And then, some church group knocked on our door because they were distributing free bagged lunches to everyone in the motel. What the fuck? (They were pretty good, actually.) I guess crackheads have to eat, too.

There are also these light brown faded stains on my sheets… syringe wound?

On the bright side, we’re moving into our apartment on Tuesday or Wednesday. (The nice one, not the one with the dead bugs and Ninja Turtle paintings in the basement.)

leave the world behind

The title is a reference to a sign on the Knockouts Gentlemen’s Club building in downtown Albuquerque. I’m pretty sure we saw some of the strippers smoking outside, but all the girls I saw last night were dressed like strippers so I can’t be sure.

This city is totally stuck in a different decade, but in the most awesome way. We saw a bus stop decorated like the background of this Saved by the Bell DVD case I saw once. And there’s an underpass leading downtown that has flashing green, red, purple, blue, etc. lights. Lindsay was like, “If we were on acid…”

I guess we stand out, somehow, because pretty much everyone we’ve talked to asks if we’re from here, or “You’re not from here, are you?” We couldn’t really figure out why, but then some Bulgarian dude named Emile at the bar befriended us because apparently we are fellow hipsters, and we realized that what is probably borderline-hipster in Calgary is straight-up hipster in Albuquerque. Even the hipsters don’t look like hipsters.